A Swift Kick in the Pants

Happy Thing of the Day: Students giving you their senior pictures!

It seems I have forgotten about my lovely blog, and God felt like reminding me today, so here we go.  Let me tell you about my swift kick in the pants...

After my last post, I got all caught up in wedding planning, an actual wedding, starting a new position at work, life just got crazy.  I completely forgot about my blog, my daily time with God, and turns out, I started it for a reason.

I was so much happier when I was actively doing my blog.  Maybe "happy" isn't even the right word, because in general I'm pretty happy.  Grounded, that's definitely the word I am looking for.  Though my overall demeanor was probably a bit more pleasant, I felt so much more grounded.  My mood didn't change quite so much, I woke up with a better attitude, I looked forward to the day much more.  I felt confident in my decisions, I was comfortable with where I was at and with what I had.  Slowly but surely, those feelings of security disappeared. 

Recently I have been struggling emotionally.  I am not confident in the decisions I make, I feel uneasy about bills and finances,  I stress out over the simplest things.  I also have had a very rough time at work.  I do not feel like waking up and going to work in the morning.  I do not enjoy my job like I used to, and I let things at work impact me more than they should.

On Monday I had a girl's night with a good friend.  We laughed and enjoyed out night out shopping and eating.  We went to Barnes and Noble and  I found an "easy" daily devotional: 3 Minute Devotionals for Women.  I figured a good 3 minutes would be easy to commit to and less intimidating of a task to begin than a more in depth devo.  The very first one talks about how deeply set and dependent our hope is on our time with God...WOOPS!

Turns out I had this amazing blog that I started, all about hope and finding it, which turned into keeping it and focusing on it.  ENTER my swift kick in the pants.  I was excited to buy this book and see what it had in store for me, but I never thought God would already start kicking my butt.  Good purchase, great reminder, time to start getting back into this groove I had going for me a few months ago!

I believe #9

Happy Thing of the Day: How beautiful Wyoming is in the Summer! I love that I live here.

I believe #9! One more after this!

I believe that God puts people in your life, and takes them out for very specific reasons, and that we need to listen and understand why.

I've kind of touched on this in my posts about love and friendship, but after my post yesterday I got a wonderful message from that amazing man, and it made me think about this one a lot.  So, let's get more specific on the reasons people are in your life, shall we?

When I say "people" I literally mean any human being that enters your life.  Be it for a day or a lifetime, these people are there on purpose.  I know I go back to this point a lot, but God has a plan for you.  And this plan includes human interaction.  Some good, some not so great, some down right awful, but human interactions are unavoidable.  I truly believe, that at various points in your life, God places specific people in your path to guide you and change your heart.

These people are so vitally important to your story.  I can pick out probably 5 people (that aren't immediate family), that have vastly altered my universe, and I know that God put them in my life specifically.  Now, since I'm that nostalgic, sentimental, sappy person, I'm going to tell you about them, even though some of them you've read about before.

The Middle School Band Guy:

Yes, this is the guy from my last post, but other than the motivational umph guy, he's also been my mentor/dad #2/supporter for over half my life.  I vividly remember meeting this man.  I was a 10 year old walking in to instrument selection at MRMS, desperately wanting to play flute.  My mom did not come in with me, she dropped me off and I was sitting in a chair, surrounded by all of the shiny mouth pieces and
instruments that I couldn't begin to identify.  I was wrapped up in amazement.  When Mr. S. came in the room I remember thinking how extremely nice he was, and how comfortable he made me when I was incredible nervous.  He gave me a flute mouth piece, and somehow realized that I had asthma without ever meeting me before.   I thought he was some kind of super hero knowing that.  Realizing that flute would be incredibly hard with asthma, he gave me a clarinet mouth piece, and I was hooked.  Little did I know this man would be in my life forever.

I took Summer Band, a kind of jump start on learning your instrument before school started, and I sat right in front, next to the podium, almost every day.  Which meant I would accidentally get hit with a baton a couple of times, get very hilarious looks from the two guys waving the stick around, and inevitably, get close to both of them.  I remember going to the band room at almost every chance I had once school started, knowing it was a safe hide out from the terrors of middle school.  Our relationship took a turn for the amazing when I got ISS in 7th grade.  This was a definite mistake, and I had done nothing wrong.  I was blubbering in the ISS room desperately wanting to be anywhere else, and Mr. S. stopped in the room. The next day in band, I got pulled into the hall by this wonderful man, given a very much needed hug, and was told that he didn't know what happened, but if I needed anything he would be there for me.  And he hasn't been able to get rid of me since.  I can say with 100% certainty that without this man, I would not be here today.  He has brought me out of some of the scariest holes I have ever dug myself into, and I will be forever grateful for him being in my life.  I would never have understood how much music would mean to me, how talented I was, and how much I needed someone to remind me I was worthy without him.  I realized how much I could be loved by someone that didn't have my genetics attached to them, and it was a much needed realization.  Nice move Up There...couldn't have picked a better mentor if I tried.

The Pastor:

I will make this brief, as I already posted in depth about this wonderful man (you can read it here).  I know

for a fact that without him I would not be as firm and confident in my faith as I am.  He altered my heart in a way that is simply inexplicable.  He made my heart one that longed for love, understanding, and compassion.  I became even more of a servant with a heart to help, I grew in my ability to rely on God, and I began to let go of things, which was never easy for me.  He probably made one of the biggest impacts on my heart, and I miss him everyday, and will always remember the incredible influence and guidance I received from him.


The Lady with the Red Couch:

I post about this lady as well (GO!), but I have to give her a little credit here as well.  I would never have started the soul searching I did if I hadn't met this lady.  She was so much more than a history teacher, and though her time in my life was brief, I know that she made a hand print on my heart.  She made me look inward, acknowledged my heart for helping, and pushed me to the breaking point numerous times.  She
made me question everything, made me see the world in a different way, and probably impacted me the most in how accepting I am.  Though I can't say judgement was non-existent in her room, it was always addressed, and accepting people for who they were and where they were at became my mantra.  Thanks Ricky Bobby!

The Big Sister:

This wonderful lady has been my "big sister" since I was 14.  She is the matron of honor in my wedding, and I love her more than words can describe. In high school, I was searching for someone to love me.  It wasn't

a boyfriend, it wasn't a teacher, it was someone to love me more than a friend.  And I found Trees in the room with the red couch.  Let's preface this with the fact that this was when I felt very disconnected from my siblings.  Teenage brothers are hard to get along with when you are going through a hormonal and emotional roller coaster on a daily basis (they are two of my favorite people now though, fyi).  But, back to Trees.  I instantly felt a bond with her that I knew could never be broken.  She loved me like a sister, and I was treated, as such (still am).  I always loved that we looked like we could be sisters, and that if I needed a big sister's shoulder, I always had hers.  She and I have had such amazing conversations, such wonderful, soulful, meaningful, and unforgettable moments.

She is one of the most important people to me.  She has the ability to be ruthlessly honest, while being incredibly loving all at once.  I know that I can run away to her house at any time and be cheered up instantly with a strawberry shake and french fries.  She taught me that I can't hide from my world.  That when someone knows you to your very core, you have to let them in when life gets scary, when life gets hard, not just when it is rainbows and sunshine.  She taught me to think about what was going on in my life, and change it the way I wanted to to be changed, and not to let anyone touch my spirit. I love you big sister.

The lost friend:

I have posted about this one a few times as well.  I had this amazing friend, my best friend.  I never thought that friendship could end, and I would say it isn't completely gone, but we are not where we used to be.  This one though, this is a person that God decided I needed at least a break from.  God took my rock, my "person", if you will excuse the Grey's Anatomy reference, and made me face the big, scary world without him.  I was infuriated when that began, what will I do without my person?  And then I realized, I had other people, and that the friendship we had was beautiful and amazing, and I wouldn't go back and change that for anything.  As we have begun this journey of rekindling our lost friendship, we have both realized that who we were and who we are now are so different, and we need to accept that fact with open hearts and accept each other where we are.  I will always be grateful for the immense influence and love I have been given by my friend, and will cherish where we go from here.


God knows who needs to be your life, I know He found these incredible people for me, and I will be forever grateful for them.  He knows so much better than we do who needs to be in our lives and who doesn't, and we need to allow Him to make that choice for us.  It may be difficult, but I have seen the impact the various people in my life have made on me.  From these 5 wonderful humans, to college friends gone and graduated, high school friends off and married with babies, and people lost to death.  I have loved them all, and could not have imagined having more fantastic people to walk my journey with me.

I believe #8

Happy Thing of the Day: SPRING TIME!

I believe number 8! Wahoo!

I believe that perseverance is hard, and that hope is necessary for perseverance to work!

Really, that statement sums it up right there.  Perseverance is hard. Let's think about it....when do you have to "persevere" when things are easy.  Perseverance is about never giving up, but you don't want to give up when things are going well.  You want to give up when things are completely crummy.  When nothing is going right, when things are just rough, you just want to throw in the towel and say, "enough".

I have this amazing mentor, he is my middle school band director.  I have known this man for over half my life and consider him an extra "dad" figure.  He's basically one of the most incredible people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  However, he has this awful way of knowing exactly when I am ready to give up.  It's like a spidey sense or something, and it's actually rather annoying...here's why:

He can sense when I am just about out of hope, and then I get this fantastically horrifying "dad" look.  This look cuts right through the center of you.  You can feel his annoyance with your lack of effort, or hope, or whatever it is you're currently lacking in.  This is because he is so amazing that he thinks you are spectacular, no matter what.  So when you are lacking in any area, he gets rather irritated because "how on earth could you think that little of yourself?".  I have gotten many, and I mean many, a pep talk from this man.  And every single one of them start with this wonderful, awful look.

Here's where things get tricky.  This look is then followed by the ever dreadful finger point and come here gesture, immediately followed by a sit down in his office with a rather intense lecture about how amazing you are and a stern "what the heck is going on?". Bleh. Not my favorite question.  Mainly because almost every time it was asked, this is exactly what went through my mind- "if I tell him what's going on, I'm going to get twice the amount of lecture I would initially.  BUT, if I say 'nothing', I'm going to get an even worse look than I'm already getting, followed by a rather ridiculous 'i don't believe you' ....".  You can see the dilemma.

Regardless of the answer I gave, one of two things happened, and usually they both did.  I'd get a very long and much needed hug, with a "I believe in you, you can do anything".  The next couple of days I'd usually get an email, phone call or text with an "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can", reminding me that being the little engine that could was much better than the little engine that rolled back down the hill and went splat. When he knew it was finals week, or knew something was going rather rough, if I entered the room, I'd get a mini pep talk with some Tim Allen motivation "Never give up, NEVER SURRENDER!".

I will always love that he does this, because the little engine is about so much more than perseverance, it's about having faith and hope in addition to having perseverance.  If you just try to keep going without faith, or at the very least, hope, that everything will turn out in the end, you're not going to get very far.

I remember the first time I really thought about what he was saying.  It came after one of the best and worst talks we ever had.  After he found out how close I was to really giving up.  Probably the longest and biggest hug I'd ever received, along with some major motivational speaking skills.  This talk was different though.  The way he told me to keep going was less about me, and more about him.  He told me he knew that I could do anything, that I was amazing, that I was important, and special.  He then told me I needed to believe all of the things he was saying.  I didn't merely need to "keep going" and "never give up".  I needed to believe that I was worthy of getting where I was going.  I needed to believe that I had potential, that I was important, that I was loved. I had to believe before I could keep going.

This, essentially, is a  big reason why this blog started in the first place.  Life was just not going as planned, and as much as I was telling myself I needed to just keep chugging along, I had very little faith that the chugging was going to get me anywhere. I needed to restore my hope.  Once I did, oh my, the wonderful things I could do.  When life threw me some quite enormous lemons a few months ago, I had a brief "what the hell" moment, and then kept on chugging, knowing everything would be okay.  My hope, my faith, my joy did not waiver.  Though things were slightly rough, and are still appearing that way slightly, I have been told by this wonderful man, and a couple other people who know me all to well, that I seem so happy and at peace.  That's because I am.  This little engine is so far from giving up.  Even though there is a large hill making my engine work overtime, I'm giving it all I got.

Don't just "keep going", keep going knowing and believing that at some point the hill will flatten out, and then you can cruise around with ease.  Believing you will get there is the hardest part of the battle, so find your little glimmer of hope and climb that hill!

I believe #7

Happy Thing of the Day: getting played "your song", for no reason at all, by the one you love

I believe #7....here we go!

I believe that God made your body, and your body is BEAUTIFUL, no matter what size, shape, color, height, width, or otherwise it is.

This one is close to my heart, because I know far too many beautiful people who simply do not understand that they are beautiful.

I have never, really,  had body image issues.  Sure sometimes I will look in the mirror and wish I could lose a few inches around the middle, but never to the point of starvation, never to the point of taking major steps to alter the way I look.  When I do anything to lose those few pounds, it's usually because physically I don't feel right.  I feel tired, out of breath, in general, unhealthy.  But for me, that has nothing to do with the number on the tag of my pants.

The best I have ever physically felt was when I was a size 12, which ridiculously enough in some stores is considered "plus size"....I HATE the term "plus size", but we'll get back to that later. This is me when I was a size 12...which is honestly only a bit smaller than I am right now.  I felt amazing.  Could I run a 10k? Absolutely not, but my asthma would take care of that regardless.  But in all seriousness, I was a size 12-14 for a very long time, starting during my junior year of high school.  The BEST I have ever felt though, was when this picture was taken.  I was 22, and felt amazing.  Am I the world's definition of "skinny"? NOPE, not even close.  Could I ever be though? Absolutely not. But I was constantly told (by the cowboy standing next to me), that I was beautiful.

The cowboy in these pictures is going to be my husband.  He is like any other guy.  When he sees a hot celebrity, or even a model like figure walk beside him, he looks.  It does not bother me.  Because this is what he says to me.  "She may be 'hot' but you're beautiful, and beauty is more important".  Now, some girls may find that a bit offensive, like he's telling me I'm not hot.  Notice, he never says I'm not hot.  And I am fully aware that by society's standards, that chick is probably "hotter" than I am.  I also am fully aware that Wade thinks I'm "hot" or "sexy" or whatever you want to call it.  Let's face it, we wouldn't be able to get married if he didn't.  I know by the way he kisses me, by the way he looks at me when I get dressed up and fancy, by the way he looks at me when I'm in my underwear at the end of the day.  I know the way he sees me.  But I would much rather be verbally acknowledged for my "beauty" than get a cat-call every time I take my clothes off.


This picture is when my perception of body image changed.  I was like any other teenage girl.  I sucked it in for pictures, found the best angle to look the best in posed pictures, the whole 9 yards.  I never really thought of myself as anything but normal, maybe pretty when I put effort in, but nothing less than normal. I had bought this exact same dress in a different color for homecoming the year before.  Due to some unfortunate circumstances (yes, I was dumped 2 days before the dance), I didn't feel like wearing the dress.  The next year for junior prom I wanted to wear it.  And then I went to try and zip it.  Day of prom, zipper will NOT move.  Enter blow to self esteem.  And in came my daddy to save the day.  He tried to zip my dress and told me that the only way I would fit into the dress I was wearing is if I was starving myself.  My bones were officially the same size as the dress.  I do not come from "small genes".  Let's put it this way...the women in my family have bodies that were built for having babies (we have wide hips!!). So, I called my best friend, we rushed to the store, and I bought the exact same dress, in a different color, and 1 size up.  It was the most fun I ever had at a school dance, and I think I look pretty good too.

This is me today. I have hips, I have extra padding just about everywhere, and I am totally fine with the way I look.  Would I like to be skinnier? Sure, who doesn't want to look better? But, I also have the privilege of knowing what I look like in my wedding dress, and damn-it, I look GOOD.  And this is because of a very important fact.  I buy clothes that make me feel beautiful.  I buy clothes that fit me, and are comfortable, and that show off the parts of me I enjoy.  I'm pretty much in love with my butt, always been my favorite feature.  I'm floating somewhere between a size 14 and 16, and I am absolutely okay with that.  Would I like to float back down the the somewhere between 12 and 14 range? Yep, but mostly so I don't have to go buy new clothes. I have no desire to be at my "ideal weight".  The ever ominous term that all body builders use.  My "ideal" weight is when I feel good about myself.  Not when someone tells me that I need to shed 65 pounds.

Do I understand that my doctor wants me to lose weight? Of course.  Do I know that I have the genetic make-up to be enormous. Fully aware.  I know that the women in my family all have had a struggle with weight and keeping it off.  But, I also know that I have heard almost all of them say more than one negative comment about their bodies at one point or another.  I remember, when some of them would say those things, I would think they were nuts.  My grandma would comment about wanting her midsection to go away, or wanting to lose weight, and then she'd come out of her room all fancy for Christmas Eve church, and I'd think she was so pretty. How on earth could she think that she wasn't pretty? And then, turn around and tell me how beautiful I look, when I am 4 sizes bigger than her? Incredible.

I remember growing up, we would all make jokes about how we looked.  I'd get called miss piggy.  All the women got called team thunder thighs.  But it was all a JOKE.  I never took it personally.  I'd do the same thing to my brothers, we all still on a very regular basis poke fun at all the issues we have.  Not just body issues.  I will always be grateful for those jokes. I gave me the body image I have.  It gave me the incredible amount of confidence I have in just about everything about me, including my looks.  This is mostly because of one important fact; the people calling me miss piggy and thunder thighs also told me that I was beautiful.  They told me how gorgeous my hair was, how pretty my smile was, when I looked particularly good in an outfit, when I rocked my senior year prom dress.  The number of times I was called pretty exceeded the number of times I was called anything else so much, that I remember that more than anything.  My brother says something to me quite often, especially when I am looking good that day. He will tell me "you are freaking beautiful, but if you would tone up a bit, you could be a down right fox". It's a compliment disguised as a critique, but it is one that is always welcomed.  Do I know that I would be a "fox" if I lost weight? Of course I do.  Am I going to diet until I no longer enjoy food, exercise to the point of dreading the gym and being obsessed with a number on a scale in order to do so? NO!

WHY do we always decided to focus on the negative?  What happened in our culture to make people focus on what we need to change about our bodies rather than what is already perfect about them?  Do you want to know what society wants to hear from me?  I wish my tummy fat would go away, I hate the fat flab on my arms, and forget about when I have double chin in pictures.  And then a picture like this follows.  A picture where I am being ridiculous with two of my best friends.  A picture where I am the biggest girl in the frame, and I look unbelievably happy.  Guess what I wasn't thinking about....my tummy fat, or my arm flab, or the fact that the face I'm making is probably going to give me double chin. I notice that I was in one of my favorite outfits (that I got complimented on by perfect strangers), that I was having a great time with my besties, and that I love when we all make the same face without planning it.  That's what I notice when I look that this picture, I see what is perfect about it, not what is imperfect.  I notice the adorable baby belly that my "big sister" has, and the ridiculous laugh that Bekah has going on.  I notice how happy I am in this picture.

I truly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you should make that "b" a capitol letter.  Your "beholder" should be the one person who sees beauty in His own creations.  God does not make mistakes. He made you with purpose and on purpose.  He created you to be the exact way that you are.  He also says that our body is a temple, and to treat it as such.  That does not mean starve it until it looks perfect.  That means take care of it. Do not purposefully do it harm, and if you have done it harm, fix it!  If you are overweight to the point of a doctor telling you that you could die any moment, please, heal your body, but do not let anyone make you feel bad about the way that you look!  Find a healthy relationship with food.  Healthy means not starving your body, or over-feeding your body.  Feeling good about your body comes with having a healthy relationship with food.  You should not depend on it and you cannot avoid it.  It is nourishment for your beautiful body.

Remember, if someone else is pointing out that something is wrong with your body, it is probably something they dislike about themselves as well.  I promise, no matter what size you are, no matter what anything you are, you are gorgeous!  Please look in the mirror and realize that whether you are a size 2 or a size 32, you are beautiful exactly the way you are, and at whatever size you feel the best, feel the most beautiful, then you don't need to change that for anyone.  You are allowed to be beautiful and not look like Heidi Klum...I promise.  And if anyone says otherwise, they suck, ignore them! Come talk to me, I will tell you exactly how beautiful you really are!

I believe #6

Happy Thing of the Day: "i love you" kisses.

I believe #6:

I believe that if someone sees something "wrong" with  your religion, they will not try to understand it. 

This post is coming from quite a heated disagreement I had with someone on facebook. She was a secretary at my high school, and I thought she was a pretty neat lady.  That was, until this conversation.

She likes to post controversial posts about negative aspects of religion.  Now, to her credit, she does so with all religions, not just Christianity.  However, since that was the religion she was raised in, I feel from the posts I see that she holds a lot of resentment towards Christianity as a whole.  At least that's what comes across in the things she posts.

I try to stay away from these posts, but there was one that caught my eye.  It was about purity balls, which consequently I had never heard about.  I read the article and looked that the so called "creepy" pictures they had collected from them.  I became enraged.  Though I never went through a purity ball, and let's add that I'm not naive in ANY way shape for form, I still think they are a beautiful thing that a daughter can go through with her dad and family.

So as not to steer too far off point, to sum up, after commenting that I didn't think they were creepy, and that people will find fault in anything they disagree with, comments that came back from that made me feel personally attacked for not only defending the balls, but defending the opinions of the families in the video that got shared in another comment.  It was like a dateline report on them, with interviews of the girls and their families, where they explained what the balls were.  It actually made them seem MORE acceptable to me, not less.  The lady who posted that video was hoping for the opposite reaction from me, which stemmed an even bigger argument.

Here's my point: no matter how much I tried to show these commenters that this was a relatively innocent and simple ceremony, that it was about love and protection and not about control or domination, they refused to even try to understand.  I have been accused by some of her other atheist friends, on more than one occasion, of being "closed minded" and "un-accepting"...and "crazy", but that's a different point.  I was being accused of the exact thing they were doing to me.

Just because I am refusing to concede, because I am refusing to change my thinking and renounce my faith, that makes me closed minded?  Because all I got were put downs and mockery from these people, I felt attacked and stood my ground.  I stood firmly on my solid foundation of faith, and was then passively put down by being told that (to para-phrase) hopefully one day I would not need a Bible verse to tell me everything to do in my life...

I doesn't matter how much you calmly explain, how much you defend, how many positive examples you give.  If someone wants to see the negative, they will refuse to see the positive.  Most of the time I was willing to listen and see their side of things, I was not given the same courtesy, because I am a Christian and I have just been brain washed into thinking these things.

To say such a thing to me is to question my intelligence, which is beyond highly offensive.  To think that someone told me, so I blindly follow is absurd.  I did not just let someone mold me into a minion of faith.  I CHOSE to be a follower of Christ.  It was a conscious decision that I made with my free thinking brain.  To call me less intelligent, less of a woman, less of an anything because of my religion, to me, is the same as telling a black person that they couldn't possibly ____________ because they are black.  Outrageous, right?  I CAN do___________ even though I am a Christian. Why must we base everything we think about each other on something we can judge and ridicule?  Why can't we just LOVE people for who they are and for where they are at in their walk of life?  Why must we decide people are wrong for whatever reason?  Can't we just accept people and be happy? Thus is the human condition...we suck.

To be a Christian is not easy.  Having faith is not easy.  Forgiving with no apology is not easy.  Loving unconditionally is not easy. People say that Christians live blindly in blissful ignorance.  Blissful? Ignorance? Please.  My foundation rests on the fact that Jesus told me to love.  To love unconditionally.  To love without judgement.  To forgive.  To help.  To Pray.  My God gave me the tools to find my way, to follow a path that is good.  A path that is His making.  It is not easy to live by faith.  It is a challenge, but it is completely worth the amazing outcome.

I believe #5

Happy Thing of the Day: Super long naps

I believe #5! Here we go:

I believe that God can do the impossible, but doesn't have to.

This one strikes a nerve with most non-believers, and I would say, even some believers.  God does have the power to do all things.  Nothing can stop Him.  Nothing.

I see so often on social media, non-believers posting terrible stories about children locked in closets, children dying at the hands of people claiming their treatment of the children was "God's will".  They post these for two reasons: either to show us believers how terrible our God is, or as proof that one doesn't exist.  After all, how can a merciful and loving God put His children through such pain?  How can a loving Creator make things like tornadoes, hurricanes, or any natural disaster?  How can He kill so many people?  How can He let murderers and rapists commit crimes?

The answer to all of these is both simple and complicated at the same time.  He can stop all of these things, and I believe many of them are circumstantial.  I believe that when natural disasters happen (which scientists are pretty good at explaining how they happened, let's not jump to God being evil, alright?), it brings people so much closer together.  People of all beliefs reach out to help their fellow man, across cities, states, countries, the world.  He sees the love that comes from such devastation, how can He deny us the beauty of the aftermath? As awful and depressing as these things are to watch, watching what comes after is so glorious.  Did God send these storms to smite us? I sincerely doubt it.

As far as acts of mankind, this one is pretty easy.  He gave us free will.. End of story.  God created man, God gave man the ability to think, to make his own choices, and to act on them as they please.  Enter in super terrible human beings.  Why would God have given us the ability to make our own choices if He was going to interfere every time we make a wrong one?  That's just more paper work to do!  Obviously God doesn't have paper work, but you get where I'm going.  If Hew as going to stop every wrong decision, then why give us the ability to do so?  I have a few moments in my life story that get pretty dark and twisty.  Some of them I did to myself, some of them were done to me by other people.  I can honestly say I have hit rock bottom.  Could God have stopped some of these terrible things? Of course.  Am I glad that He didn't? Oh ya!

Had I not gone through some of these storms, had I not had to rely on God, to lean on Him to get through these dark and twisty moments, I wouldn't know His amazing grace, His incredible love, and His mercy.  I have learned through these crazy dark moments that I can overcome just about anything as long as I believe that my Lord and Savior is going to bring me out on the other side.

When a child dies at the hands of man, that man will pay the ultimate price.  Our actions have consequences that will play out both here on Earth and for eternity.  I believe that when these tragedies happen to any of God's children- rape, murder, starvation, abuse, and the list goes on- that His heart breaks.  That He weeps for our pain and seeks to comfort us.  I have felt the hug of God in scary times, and I mean scary.  I believe that it was His love and comfort that ended those terrible things, that healed my broken heart and brought me to a place of peace.  It brought me to the place where I needed to seek Him again, and start this blog and find out how amazing He could make my heart feel.  My soul is bursting with His love and I know that it was those trials that I went through that brought me to this place of happiness.

God has the power to do all things, but, if He can find a way to make His plans known, to change the
direction of the path with giant red blinking arrows pointing toward Him when we steer away, He will.  Man makes mistakes, and God has to find a way to fix them, not to interfere with them.

I believe #4

Happy Thing of the Day: sleeping until you can sleep no more

More I believes! I'm going for 10!

I believe Jesus Christ, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended into hell; on the third day he rose again from the dead; he ascended into heaven,

Since Easter was just a couple of days ago, I feel like with the general premise of this blog, it is important for me to to acknowledge a couple of things I believe about God.  So here we go...Easter.

I believe, to my very core, that God sent His one and only son to die for my sins.  I believe that His son died on the cross, and that 3 days later, He rose again.  I believe that He paid the ultimate price for my sins, to save me, and came back to show just how awesome our God is.

Many non-believers have a lot of problems with just about everything that happens in the Bible, and really just every day things that believers believe.  But we're going to focus on two very "impossible" things that they have the biggest problem with.

Jesus was conceived by immaculate conception.  He was born of a virgin. Impossible? Okay, biologically, sure that probably is "impossible".  With the exception of a virgin being artificially inseminated, this pretty much could never happen.  But since when does that stop God?  To be a believer means simply that, to believe.  If you do not have faith in God then yes, this is going to sound ridiculous, impossible, and makes all us Christians sound like we are cuckoo for cocoa puffs.  We believe in the impossible.  We believe that our God is so incredible, so amazing, so powerful that He can do ANYTHING.  He makes the impossible possible.  So yes, we believers truly believe that Jesus was born of a virgin to save us all.

Many non-believers have a very hard time grasping Easter as well.  A guy dies on a cross and comes back to life three days later...impossible? Sure.  For God, no big deal.  This is not the first time the dead has been brought back to life (in the Bible anyway). Both in the Old and New Testaments, people have been raised from the dead by miracles from God.  God can  do the impossible, but He is not required to do so,

we'll get to that in a later post.

I believe that Jesus died on the cross as a sacrifice for us all.  Many of my Atheist friends have issues with this, mostly the parents. They claim that no one could give up a child for a sacrifice, that no loving parent can put their child through the torture that Jesus endured, send them to Hell, for the resurrection of all. Well, that's just it, the sacrifice had to be one of immense meaning.  This had to be a sacrifice from God, not from man.  The only thing God had to sacrifice was His own child.  The torture He endured was a product of man, not a product of God.  Jesus KNEW this was what He needed to do.  He knew that in order for no man to ever die again, a pure and true sacrifice must be paid, and it was done by God's own blood.  God paid for our sins.  Here is where some Christians debate.  Are God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit 3 in 1, or are the separ
ate entities.  I won't get into that debate, but if you believe the 3 in 1 doctrine, then really God sacrificed himself, I am not sure which is true, but that is one way to look at it.

I do not think this was an evil act of God, I think it is beyond the most incredible act of love.  I believe on the third day, He had gathered the souls and sent them to be with their Father, and then came back to show God's amazing power.  That not even death can stop Him, and that we no longer have to fear death, that we will spend eternity in paradise with Him.  I believe this to my very core.  I believe this regardless of the proofs you have that this is impossible, I believe this even if you think it makes me naive and crazy.  I am a believer, I believe that God's one and only son came and saved me because He loves me!

I believe #3

Happy Thing of the Day: Fiances that spoil you rotten (like by buying you a new car....yep, that's me!!)

Here's day three of "I believe".  Today is so close to my heart, and it will be extremely present in this post.

I believe there is nothing more important than friendship

I know that many of you will disagree with me on this one, at least at first.  I promise though, if you hang in with me until the end, you might not think that way anymore.

When I say that I believe nothing is more important than friendship, I mean that with my deepest most being.  Friendship is the thing of miracles, of life changing, life improving wonderfulness.  Absolutely nothing can change your life like friendship, NOTHING!

I know that many people will say, "but family is so much more important", or "wait, the Jesus girl isn't putting God in that sentence"....and both would be correct.

Why does "friendship" have to define only non-blood related human beings?  Why is that the definition of "friend" that so many of us use in our vocabulary.  Why can't a friend encompass so much more than that?  To me, there are so many categories of friendship that it cannot truly be defined at all.

Perfect example...this lady pictured to the right.  This lady is my grandma Judy.  Is is, if you don't mind my gloating, the world's most incredible grandma.  This woman lives and breathes her grandchildren, and I must say, I know I get a little bit of special treatment because I'm the only granddaughter.  She and I have a relationship that cannot be touched by ANYONE!  I have shared almost every secret I have with this woman.  I would say the vast majority of conversations we have start with the phrase "don't tell mom, but...".  I am incredibly lucky, because I can honestly say that my grandma is one of my best friends.  I can talk to her for hours without running out of topics of conversation.  She knows exactly what I need, at exactly the precise moment.  This is a friendship I could not imagine my life without!

Then we get to the part about God.  A "relationship" with God means nothing without having a friendship with Him first.  Yes, He is my Father, my Maker, and my Redeemer, but He is also my Friend.  I can have conversations with Him like I can my best friend.  I sarcastically look up to the sky and ask Him "was that really necessary?" or "okay, I get it!".  I can trust my Maker because I have a deeper relationship with Him than just simply He is the one that created me and watches over me. He is the friend I can go to in my darkest hour, when I am lost and on a path that scares the living day lights out of me.  That friend comes and rescues me where I'm at.  He finds me and holds my hand, telling me everything will be alright.  Following God without knowing Him as closely and as honestly as a friend does, means you are blindly following a master, rather than walking beside Him as a Guide and Friend.

Then we get to friendship.  Can you honestly picture a world in which you didn't have friends outside of your family....YIKES. Sounds scary. Friendship is so necessary to survive.  I have had some incredible friendships throughout my life.  Some that have lasted for years and years.  There are so many levels a friendship can reach if you put in the time and emotions that it requires.  Someone knowing the scariest, darkest, most broken parts of you, but also knowing the parts that shine with joy, that kind of person in your life is essential.  Friendships help us grow, help us live, and most importantly, help us love.  Life without friendship seems so pointless.  I cannot begin to fathom my life without these ladies, they are some of the most important people in my life, and I am honored to call them my friends.

Friendship is essential, it is required, it is by far, the most important thing you can have in your life.  Just don't let walls block in your definition of friendship, because it will leave you with the possibility of so many more friendships being able to enter into your heart and change you!

I believe #2

Happy Thing of the day: Snuggles with the most amazing man on the planet. Beyond perfection!

Here's #2 on the "I believe" journey, don't know how many there will be, but I hope they're good ones!

I believe you are meant to do something, but that something can change.

This one hits home for me pretty hard.  Let's start with the back story:

For as long as I can remember, the only thing I ever wanted to "be when I grew up" was a teacher.  I have always worked well with kids of all ages, am beyond obsessed with learning, and love when I can teach someone something I know. I love sharing knowledge!

For a while, the only thing that changed was the subject I wanted to teach.  When I was little, it was math (what in the world was I thinking?!).  Then it was English, then history, and finally by senior year it evolved to music.  I was so excited to start learning to be a music teacher.  I was so positively influenced by my music teachers over the years, I couldn't wait to join them!  Then I had a "mid-life crisis" at age 19 and realized the music thing was not going to happen.

So then I became an Elementary Ed major.  My love for teaching grew to an unimaginable passion.  And then life happened yet again and my GPA plummeted to the point of no return, and I had to switch majors yet again, but only temporarily, I still had a plan to become a teacher, it was just a route with a lot of detours.  But I knew I'd get there eventually.  Finally, college graduation seemed to become a pipe dream, and I decided not to finish college (or at least take some time off).  My dream of being a teacher was diminishing by the second.

Then the amazing happened, I got my job at WyoTech and I fell in love.  It was the world's best job.  I loved the instructors, the other staff, and especially the students.  I never had a morning where I didn't want to go to work. Flash forward a year, and corporate decided to get rid of my position.  Lame.  My fiance then got me a job where he worked, The Cathedral Home for Children.  Yet again, I was working with "kids", sure at WyoTech I was working mostly with 18-19 year old's or older, but still, I was working with students.  I finally realized, I didn't have to be a teacher to use my talents with "kids".

Now, to my point- using your talents is not defined by a specific career.  I thought for the longest time that I had to be a teacher, that being a teacher was what I was put on this Earth to do.  WRONG.  I was mereal job would eventually be becoming a mom.  I'm pretty excited for when that happens, though I am okay if that takes a few years.
ant to work with students.  With "kids" who need to learn something.  Whether I am actually teaching them, or helping them succeed in their current situation,  I was meant to be with kids.  This is also when I realized my

Just because your heart desires a specific thing to do with your life, doesn't mean that's exactly what it has to be.  Would I still be an amazing teacher? Of course.  Am I happy as long as I am working with students? YEP!  My passion is not only "teaching" but it's kids! That's where my heart needs to be to be full and happy.  That's what I need to be doing to use my potential.  And that gives me SO many options of what I can do with my life!  Working with kids is such an enormously broad topic it's incredible, and I have all of those options for what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

I believe that you were meant to do something, but don't limit where that something can take you.  Don't be so focused on that one specific thing that you forget that your talents can be used in so many different ways.  If your thing is technology, you don't have to be a programmer.  If your thing is math, you don't have to be a mathematician.  If your thing is kids, you don't have to be a teacher.  Find the place that fills your passion, find the job that fills your heart with glee, THAT is where you belong.  Try different areas until you find your niche.  Being happy doing something that uses your talents is what God intended, but he didn't mean you had to have something specific to set your mind on.  Let your dreams take you on an adventure!  You'll be amazed where it can take you!

I believe...

Happy Thing of the Day: a hot cup of tea when you're sick! perfection!

Have you ever heard the song "Affirmation" by Savage Garden? If not, I highly recommend it.  It's actually quite the inspiring song, if you take the time to really listen to the lyrics. So that you can get the gist of it, here is the chorus:

I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Essentially, the entire song is a bunch of "I believe" statements, some of which are so incredibly true, they almost strike you down and make you think deeply about life in general.  You've got to love songs that can impact you, it's just wonderful.

I have this song on a playlist I've been frequently playing in my car as of late, and it got me thinking, what do I believe? Other than the obvious, if you read my blog, that I believe in God, what do I value? What do I "believe"? How have these things shaped my life? When something hits you this hard, especially in what I must define as a hiccup point in life, it makes you evaluate where you stand and where that will lead you.  So here goes, just a couple of "I believe"s to get you thinking for the next couple of posts.  Here's the first one!

I believe that EVERYONE has the right to love whomever they choose in the way that they choose.

This is a big one for me.  Whether you are talking about marriage or not, what "rights" people have, or what is "social acceptable" or "religiously correct", no one should be told it is not "okay" to love someone else.  Regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, disability, and the like, if person A is in love with person B, LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE! Why does everyone feel the need to judge and pick apart the way people love.  Everyone has a "type", everyone has a laundry list, so to speak, of qualities that they desire in their person.  I say "their person" because I do NOT believe you need to be married to have a true and deep commitment of "forever".  Even though the path Wade and I have chosen is one that begins with "I Do", and yes, many things in life are easier if you have that one piece of paper that says you are legally bound to this person, "forever" does not require two rings and a piece of paper...it just doesn't.  Despite the fact that I cannot wait to call Wade my husband in conversation, I know that my feelings for him will not change once I put that ring on his finger.  I do not know if it's possible for me to love him more, but I know I wouldn't love him less if we weren't getting married.

I also know that when people say "It doesn't bother me if they're together, but I don't agree that they should be able to get legally married", it's okay. People have different opinions on different things, and you judging and criticizing them for their "closed mindedness" or "prejudice" is just as bad as when people say that it's "unnatural" to love ___________ if you're __________. I would just like to point out I didn't put a gender there, because people call LOTS of different combinations of people in love "unnatural", not just ones pertaining to sexual orientation.  Before I make this next statement let's make one thing clear; I am 100% behind gay marriage.  Hands down, totally has my support.  However, for all you LGBTQ folks out there reading this, you are NOT the only ones being told you shouldn't be together/ be able to get married.  Though legally I have always had the right to marry Wade, not everyone has always supported our choice in being together.  Once it got to the point where Wade was down on one knee asking me to marry him, everyone was pretty much on board.  But we both heard a lot of "you shouldn't be with that kind of person", we still, on occasion, hear this from certain people.  Though we are not being "persecuted" by the masses, we were by a small clump of people there for a while.  I have friends who still, in 2014, get called racial slurs for being an "oreo" baby (as most of my friends call themselves).  Really, didn't we get over this about 50 years ago? Oh, woops, not everyone got that memo.  This is a battle that is still continuously fought.  If EVERYONE was just a tiny bit more accepting of differing views, we would have a lot less issues in this wonderful country we live in.  Now, does that mean I think the government should be able to dictate who gets married? Of course not.  But let's just say gay marriage passed in all 50 states...in 50 years, there will still be those people who are not comfortable with that situation....and that should be okay as long as they are not judging your choice.  And no, those aren't the same thing!

To sum up, if you are a boy, and you like another boy, awesome, I couldn't be happier for you.  If you are not entirely comfortable with this type of relationship, but don't object to them holding hands and smooching as they walk down the street, THANK YOU.  Thank you for being honest, and for not judging others.  Again, just because they have a different opinion than you, does not mean they are bad people or that they are judging you. Do I think people can have their own opinion, regardless of if they agree with me? OF COURSE! Would I rather not get the judging eyes when people find out Wade and I will have lived together for over two years by the time we get married? Absolutely.  But there are those people out there who have looked me in the eye and said,"I don't really think you should live with someone before you get married, but honestly if that's what works for your relationship then do what makes your life happy and easy".  Those people, though they all have their own way of saying it, informed me that they disagree with my life choice, but are not going to think less or differently of me for that choice.  That is the very definition of having a differing opinion without judgement.  THAT'S what needs to happen.  The presence of a different opinion in conjunction with a statement of understanding and acceptance, and without a statement of judgement.


Go love whomever you want to love.  Go live with, marry, just BE with that person that completes you.  Forget the judgments and just be happy in love and accept people for their differences!

Your ___________ does not define you.

Happy Thing of the Day: NOT the epic wind that is happening outside, that's for sure. (but portable mini heaters? DEFINITELY!)

I recently watched an interview done of Elizabeth Smart about the book she wrote.  She started going into detail about the things that happened to her during her kidnapping.  But then she started talking about moving on, that she was not just the girl that was kidnapped when she was 14.  She was more than that...like she wasn't going to let her kidnapping define who she was.

You hear people say this to survivors of various traumas all the time "you are not your disease" or "don't let your abuse define you", even a general one as simple as "don't let this define who you will become".  So many people identify themselves by one specific thing, but why?

Recently, I've seen this more with "causes" than anything.  People identify as being a "pro-life advocate" or a "gay-rights advocate", and so on and so forth.  There are many "causes" out there for people to support and advocate for, but why does that have to define you?  Why can't these things just be an important part of your life?  For example, I know a few people who support gay rights that will NOT, under any circumstance, befriend (or stay friends) with someone who does not agree with them 100%.  And you think people who don't support your cause are narrow minded?

Religion is another huge one.  People base their entire lives on what they believe.  Should it, or can it, mold you? Can it be the foundation for your character? Of course.  Should it be the basis on which you view every single little thing?  Probably not.  There are so many other factors out there that should play into decisions and opinions.  For example, being "pro-life" to the point that you start to limit health care provided for women, you've taken your religious beliefs a little too far.  Honestly, isn't the most recent issue a little bit common sense? If you start making birth control more easily available, abortion rates will go down...it's just that easy.  Will they go away, no, but will it help, probably.

Let me be clear, I support many causes.  Some that as a "typical Christian" I probably wouldn't fit into very well (good thing there is nothing "typical" about me).  But to make a point, I'm going to start listing.

I Support:
TWLOHA
The Human Rights Campaign
Planned Parenthood
The Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation
(RED)
The Trevor Project
UNICEF
Habitat for Humanity

Just to name a few.  Really the list could go on for a while longer, but you get the idea.  I am not so focused on one cause that I forget that are so many important things to support.  I am not so narrow minded as to make any one of these be the defining power in my life.

So many things define me.  A while ago I wrote a post about knowing who you are.  You can read it here.  I always make a top 5 on things that define me.  Yes I'm a Christian, but don't make any assumptions on what kind of person I am.  Being a Christian doesn't mean I hate gay people.  Being a Christian doesn't mean that I am pro-life.  Being a Christian doesn't mean I only have Christian friends.  I am a Christian, but I am also SO much more than that.  I will not let Christian population, nor the non-Christian population, define who I am, what I should support, or who I can befriend.  These things are what create hate.  These are the reasons people judge, and discriminate.  Do not be so focused that you fester stereotypes.  They are awful and demeaning.  Nothing needs to consume you to the point of cutting people out of your life for any reason other than that they physically or emotionally harm you.

Don't let your cause, your identifiers, your skin color, your religion don't let any one thing define who you are.  You are so much deeper than that.  Your soul is so vast it could not possibly be summed up in one specific thing.  Don't get caught up so far into anything that it changes who you befriend, who you love, or what you do.  Let it mold your character, of course, but don't let it put you in a box.  Don't be confined to the outline of anything but your own personal connect the dots.  No one should define you but you.

Mountains and Valleys

Happy Thing of the Day: Fantastic co-workers and free lunch!


For most Christians, the term mountains and valleys is one we have heard many times in a church sermon.  Many preachers use these as metaphors for times in our lives.  Mountains are used as an example of a time where we are "high" in life.  We are the king of the hill, nothing can touch us, life is just perfect.  Then there are valleys, which of course are the "low" points.  Who doesn't like a visual to go along with their sermon, huh?

I honestly love these sermons, not because I always need to hear them, though I will admit that sometimes I am in need of these reminders, but because I feel like they are such an important thing for people to understand about God.  So many people like to blame God for the bad things but forget to praise Him for the good things.  Some people think that they did something to "deserve" being put in a valley, that they did something wrong.  The biggest one though, is that people forget, God is always trying to find you a way out of the valley.

I have had many non-believer friends ask me "if God is almighty, why is it taking him so long to help you out of this mess?".  That answer is surprisingly simple, I'm not ready to be let out of this mess yet.  Non-believers don't understand that for a very devout Christian, we are always willing to accept that God has a plan.  Yes, the illusive "plan" that we Christians are so obsessed with.  Some of my friends tell me that it would bother them beyond belief to have someone or something else in control of their lives and their plans.  It's actually rather freeing to tell you the truth.  To know that my Creator is looking out for me, making sure that I get to my destination, it's incredible.

I will be the first one to admit, God doesn't "put" me in a valley, I'm pretty good at putting myself there without His help.  When I look back on a "valley" moment, or even when I am currently in one.  I can tell you exactly how I put myself there, I'm just not always certain of how I'm going to get myself out.  Valleys are rough, and unforgiving.  They create doubt and hardship, but you cannot place the blame on anyone but yourself.  I do believe sometimes God lets you sit there a while, until His perfect plan and the perfect moment arises to lift  you from that valley to the highest mountain. The nicest moments are when you know you're going to have to sit in a valley for a little while, but you can see the light coming over that mountain top.  When you know if you stick to the plan, don't make any "in the moment" decisions, you work hard and follow the steps, that you will get to the mountain.

Wade and I are in a tiny valley season right now.  We just discovered that it may be a while before we will be able to buy a house.  We looked into a couple of different options, but really, nothing was going to work out at the moment.  We were a little discouraged, and then Wade looked at me and said, "maybe God doesn't want us in a house right now.  Maybe in a year or two there will be this perfect house just in our price range, and He wants us to wait until He can get us there".  Woah.  Major bonus points for the future husband right there.  But it's true.  After doing some in-depth searching, there really aren't any houses that fit our needs in our price range right now.  Maybe we do need to sit in this valley a little while, and dream of that house on the hill above us, until God says, "okay, I found it".

Valleys are not the end of the world, they are the beginning of a new season coming soon.  They are the promise of the mountain top waiting for you.  They are beyond frustrating, but so worth the struggle when you get to the top of that climb.  Wade was a mountain top for me.  After years of struggling with relationships, trying to "find the perfect one", trying to make a relationship work that just wasn't going to (after 7 years I might add), I knew I needed to change my criteria.  I knew that I needed to change the way I felt about a relationship.  I knew He needed to love God, I knew he needed to see me as precious, and I knew he needed to want the same things I did, even if they weren't in exactly the same way.  And then I found Wade.  He was so different from any man I had ever dated, and treated me like I had never been treated before, and loved me like I always dreamed I could be loved.  My long journey in the valley, seemed to rather quickly lead me to my future husband.  The one who flips through the tv guide and stops on Joel Osteen to watch.  The one who reminds me I am loved.

Taking the joy over the other stuff

Happy Thing of the Day: boots with fur!

For as long as I can remember, my grandma's favorite word has been "joy".  It is plastered all over her house, especially at Christmas time.  She also loves the "Life Is Good" company.  She has a million of the shirts, some mugs, a few bags, you name it.  She is generally a pretty positive person, and it got me thinking, that maybe she is on to something...

As I have posted before, in the last few years I have dealt with quite a bit of loss.  I have specifically had to deal with the loss of a very deep friendship as of late.  This was a person who I could call at any moment, with any problem, or even exciting news, and we could talk for hours about whatever was going on.  We shared the deepest places of our hearts, it was a bond I never thought could break.

As it turns out, when you grow up, you change.  It took me a while to realize that maybe the "change" he went through wasn't as "awful" as I was making it out to be.  His priorities had changed in a way that I thought was terrible, when in reality, maybe that's just the way his life functions well at this point.  My priorities have also changed.  I stopped really caring about school, especially once Wade and I got more serious, and to me, my relationship took way more importance to school, and ultimately lead to me leaving college pre-graduation.  Should it have, probably not, but that's where my energy was put.

My priorities have become even more focused on family, especially the new one I will be starting with Wade.  We are going to be each other's family.  He is going to be my husband in just 6 months, and I cannot wait to really be his family.  He is where my priorities lie, I don't make a single decision without at least considering if not actually discussing with him how that will effect not just me, but him as well.  My friend, in my view, went the opposite direction.  He became more about what was good for him, taking less into account how that would effect anyone else.  I saw this as a totally terrible trait.

Then it dawned on me.  Maybe it isn't so bad to be selfish every now and then.  Maybe where he is at in his life, being selfish is what works, and maybe selfish isn't the right word.  Definition wise it is, but selfish often times has a bad connotation.  He is making sure he is taken care of, that his needs are met, and that his heart is filled.  He doesn't have a husband to worry about, it's just him, so is making sure his needs are met and his dreams are followed without considering who it impacts a bad thing? Probably not.  Was I being a little selfish in a bad way wanting him to be more like the friend I had known for so long? Definitely.  I wasn't willing to look at how much happier he was, or how much more he was able to accomplish, I only saw what it was doing to me, and maybe what I thought it could be doing to other people.

I was focusing on how negative the situation was, rather than seeing the joy he was bringing to his own life.  By not letting others influence what he was doing, the decisions he was making, or the path he was on, he was able to really start following his dreams and realizing some goals.  My joy has been mostly surrounded by the life I'm getting to start with another person, and his was coming from finding his place in the world on his own for now.

Focusing on how negative this whole interaction and situation between us was not healthy for my life.  I didn't realize how deeply this had impacted my heart.  My mood changed, I started getting frustrated about wedding details, I started snapping at Wade more, and then I realized, I needed to let go.  It wasn't until recently that I figured out that focusing on this negative thing that had happened was making me overall as a person not a very pleasant person to be around.

So I had to re-evaluate.  I had to find out why this was bothering me so much, see why it was having this impact on me, and then let go.  I'm still in the process of doing that, mostly at the stage where I'm trying to change my mood in the way it impacts other people.  I had to give this over to God.  I had to accept my part in this issue, and then be free of the burden it had on my heart.  Sometimes I forget how deeply I can feel about things.  How greatly things like this can impact my heart.  I let them soak in and change me without really thinking about them first.

Letting go has never been easy for me.  I don't necessarily hold grudges, I actually forgive relatively easy.  But I focus on the issue LONG after it is over.  How could it be different, how could the outcome have changed, why did it really happen, what did they do wrong, what did I do wrong, ON AND ON AND ON.  So my new challenge, especially since I have successfully been able to "find the hope", as was my original goal, is to stop dwelling on thing, regardless of the severity of the situation.  I think it will lead to even more hope, and a lot more joy.

Yet another tribute

Sometimes holidays bring out some amazing memories, and make you miss some incredible people.  My favorite part of the year was always Christmas, and getting to go home to my church family.  I didn't get to do that this year, and my family no longer attends the church I grew up in.  I am getting married which means sharing holidays (which I am not going to get used to).  Nevertheless, some amazing people there at First Pres of CO Springs impacted my life beyond belief.

So here you go, my tribute to my amazing friend, Cliff.

This last summer marked 1 year since my dear friend Cliff was called home to be with Jesus. I can only imagine what that moment was like. Knowing Cliff, it probably started with a pretty amazing hug, and then diving right in to some deep philosophical and theological conversation. Considering that is how every one of our little coffee or Chipotle dates started, I'm almost positive that's how it would be when he met Jesus.

I guess a part of me has finally accepted that he's gone.  I don't know if it's him or not, but in my deepest struggles, the ones I would usually go to him with, I can feel a very comforting hand on my shoulder.  With my wedding coming nearer and nearer, I had to come to the harsh reality that my friend would not be the one up there marrying me and my future husband.  We had to find someone else for that, and that made me both extremely angry, and exhaustively sad.  I learned so much from Cliff, which I have written about in other posts, but for now, I'll just list them.

1: Age does not define friendship.

Cliff was an amazing mentor, but I would also consider him one of my dearest friends.  It may have seemed strange to some people that the first thing I did after or before service was find this incredible man and get my morning started off with one of the best hugs you can ever hope to receive. Cliff was old enough to be my grandfather, and actually was older than one of them. But still, our friendship felt no different than any other I have had.  Our age difference did not matter, and though it meant that he was more of a mentor figure, he will always be one of the most amazing friends I have ever had.  I was always welcomed with these incredible hugs, and then he would say "hello, friend" or "how are you, friend".  Perfection.

2: People know you better than you think.

I vividly remember talking to Cliff about finding a youth group and church here in Laramie. When I was talking to him about the ones I had found, instantly he looked at my rather strangely and said "I can't believe that you would like those".  I was shocked, I found my place of worship and you think it's weird that I like them?!  He explained his reasons, knowing the denomination and the organization that they came from.  They were rather, let's just say, traditional. I am not. There are many beliefs I swing more to the progressive side on. Cliff knew this, and sure enough, about a year later, I was not attending either of these places any more. When we talked about it later, he looked at me in a way that almost said "I told you so", but he would never say it out loud.  I have always had a hard time admitting that people know me as well as I know myself. It was a lesson I am glad I learned pre-Wade, because he knows me probably better than I know myself, and it makes life much easier just admitting it.

3: Sometimes disappointment strikes

I'm glad I learned this lesson from Cliff, because had I not, his death would have been much harder than it already was.  Cliff's sermon on lamenting was the definition of being disappointed. He wanted so badly to kick cancer's butt, and wanted God to set him free of this awful disease so he could continue to do God's work.  Sadly, He did not. This was very important for me to learn, because his death lead to a pretty big disappointment for my future. Ever since I met Cliff, I thought he would be the one to stand up in the front of the church and officiate the wedding of me and the man of my dreams. When he started the path to leaving us, I realized that my dream of having him up there with me was not going to happen.  After his funeral, my mom actually said "you aren't going to get married at First Pres. anymore, are you?" My answer was simply, NOPE! How could I walk down that aisle without that man standing up there? Now that I'm engaged, it was the first thing I chose, where to get married, and I found a place that is perfect.  Fortunately, Cliff got to meet Wade before he left, which gave me a lot more closure than if he hadn't.  But still, disappointment struck, and because of this great lesson Cliff taught me, I can still have the wedding of my dreams, only with a little sadness attached.  We will be missing many people that day that we wish could be there, but they will be watching and guiding us on our adventure anyway.

Cliff was an enormous blessing in my life, and I will forever remember his love and friendship and his incredible faith.