I believe #9

Happy Thing of the Day: How beautiful Wyoming is in the Summer! I love that I live here.

I believe #9! One more after this!

I believe that God puts people in your life, and takes them out for very specific reasons, and that we need to listen and understand why.

I've kind of touched on this in my posts about love and friendship, but after my post yesterday I got a wonderful message from that amazing man, and it made me think about this one a lot.  So, let's get more specific on the reasons people are in your life, shall we?

When I say "people" I literally mean any human being that enters your life.  Be it for a day or a lifetime, these people are there on purpose.  I know I go back to this point a lot, but God has a plan for you.  And this plan includes human interaction.  Some good, some not so great, some down right awful, but human interactions are unavoidable.  I truly believe, that at various points in your life, God places specific people in your path to guide you and change your heart.

These people are so vitally important to your story.  I can pick out probably 5 people (that aren't immediate family), that have vastly altered my universe, and I know that God put them in my life specifically.  Now, since I'm that nostalgic, sentimental, sappy person, I'm going to tell you about them, even though some of them you've read about before.

The Middle School Band Guy:

Yes, this is the guy from my last post, but other than the motivational umph guy, he's also been my mentor/dad #2/supporter for over half my life.  I vividly remember meeting this man.  I was a 10 year old walking in to instrument selection at MRMS, desperately wanting to play flute.  My mom did not come in with me, she dropped me off and I was sitting in a chair, surrounded by all of the shiny mouth pieces and
instruments that I couldn't begin to identify.  I was wrapped up in amazement.  When Mr. S. came in the room I remember thinking how extremely nice he was, and how comfortable he made me when I was incredible nervous.  He gave me a flute mouth piece, and somehow realized that I had asthma without ever meeting me before.   I thought he was some kind of super hero knowing that.  Realizing that flute would be incredibly hard with asthma, he gave me a clarinet mouth piece, and I was hooked.  Little did I know this man would be in my life forever.

I took Summer Band, a kind of jump start on learning your instrument before school started, and I sat right in front, next to the podium, almost every day.  Which meant I would accidentally get hit with a baton a couple of times, get very hilarious looks from the two guys waving the stick around, and inevitably, get close to both of them.  I remember going to the band room at almost every chance I had once school started, knowing it was a safe hide out from the terrors of middle school.  Our relationship took a turn for the amazing when I got ISS in 7th grade.  This was a definite mistake, and I had done nothing wrong.  I was blubbering in the ISS room desperately wanting to be anywhere else, and Mr. S. stopped in the room. The next day in band, I got pulled into the hall by this wonderful man, given a very much needed hug, and was told that he didn't know what happened, but if I needed anything he would be there for me.  And he hasn't been able to get rid of me since.  I can say with 100% certainty that without this man, I would not be here today.  He has brought me out of some of the scariest holes I have ever dug myself into, and I will be forever grateful for him being in my life.  I would never have understood how much music would mean to me, how talented I was, and how much I needed someone to remind me I was worthy without him.  I realized how much I could be loved by someone that didn't have my genetics attached to them, and it was a much needed realization.  Nice move Up There...couldn't have picked a better mentor if I tried.

The Pastor:

I will make this brief, as I already posted in depth about this wonderful man (you can read it here).  I know

for a fact that without him I would not be as firm and confident in my faith as I am.  He altered my heart in a way that is simply inexplicable.  He made my heart one that longed for love, understanding, and compassion.  I became even more of a servant with a heart to help, I grew in my ability to rely on God, and I began to let go of things, which was never easy for me.  He probably made one of the biggest impacts on my heart, and I miss him everyday, and will always remember the incredible influence and guidance I received from him.


The Lady with the Red Couch:

I post about this lady as well (GO!), but I have to give her a little credit here as well.  I would never have started the soul searching I did if I hadn't met this lady.  She was so much more than a history teacher, and though her time in my life was brief, I know that she made a hand print on my heart.  She made me look inward, acknowledged my heart for helping, and pushed me to the breaking point numerous times.  She
made me question everything, made me see the world in a different way, and probably impacted me the most in how accepting I am.  Though I can't say judgement was non-existent in her room, it was always addressed, and accepting people for who they were and where they were at became my mantra.  Thanks Ricky Bobby!

The Big Sister:

This wonderful lady has been my "big sister" since I was 14.  She is the matron of honor in my wedding, and I love her more than words can describe. In high school, I was searching for someone to love me.  It wasn't

a boyfriend, it wasn't a teacher, it was someone to love me more than a friend.  And I found Trees in the room with the red couch.  Let's preface this with the fact that this was when I felt very disconnected from my siblings.  Teenage brothers are hard to get along with when you are going through a hormonal and emotional roller coaster on a daily basis (they are two of my favorite people now though, fyi).  But, back to Trees.  I instantly felt a bond with her that I knew could never be broken.  She loved me like a sister, and I was treated, as such (still am).  I always loved that we looked like we could be sisters, and that if I needed a big sister's shoulder, I always had hers.  She and I have had such amazing conversations, such wonderful, soulful, meaningful, and unforgettable moments.

She is one of the most important people to me.  She has the ability to be ruthlessly honest, while being incredibly loving all at once.  I know that I can run away to her house at any time and be cheered up instantly with a strawberry shake and french fries.  She taught me that I can't hide from my world.  That when someone knows you to your very core, you have to let them in when life gets scary, when life gets hard, not just when it is rainbows and sunshine.  She taught me to think about what was going on in my life, and change it the way I wanted to to be changed, and not to let anyone touch my spirit. I love you big sister.

The lost friend:

I have posted about this one a few times as well.  I had this amazing friend, my best friend.  I never thought that friendship could end, and I would say it isn't completely gone, but we are not where we used to be.  This one though, this is a person that God decided I needed at least a break from.  God took my rock, my "person", if you will excuse the Grey's Anatomy reference, and made me face the big, scary world without him.  I was infuriated when that began, what will I do without my person?  And then I realized, I had other people, and that the friendship we had was beautiful and amazing, and I wouldn't go back and change that for anything.  As we have begun this journey of rekindling our lost friendship, we have both realized that who we were and who we are now are so different, and we need to accept that fact with open hearts and accept each other where we are.  I will always be grateful for the immense influence and love I have been given by my friend, and will cherish where we go from here.


God knows who needs to be your life, I know He found these incredible people for me, and I will be forever grateful for them.  He knows so much better than we do who needs to be in our lives and who doesn't, and we need to allow Him to make that choice for us.  It may be difficult, but I have seen the impact the various people in my life have made on me.  From these 5 wonderful humans, to college friends gone and graduated, high school friends off and married with babies, and people lost to death.  I have loved them all, and could not have imagined having more fantastic people to walk my journey with me.

I believe #8

Happy Thing of the Day: SPRING TIME!

I believe number 8! Wahoo!

I believe that perseverance is hard, and that hope is necessary for perseverance to work!

Really, that statement sums it up right there.  Perseverance is hard. Let's think about it....when do you have to "persevere" when things are easy.  Perseverance is about never giving up, but you don't want to give up when things are going well.  You want to give up when things are completely crummy.  When nothing is going right, when things are just rough, you just want to throw in the towel and say, "enough".

I have this amazing mentor, he is my middle school band director.  I have known this man for over half my life and consider him an extra "dad" figure.  He's basically one of the most incredible people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  However, he has this awful way of knowing exactly when I am ready to give up.  It's like a spidey sense or something, and it's actually rather annoying...here's why:

He can sense when I am just about out of hope, and then I get this fantastically horrifying "dad" look.  This look cuts right through the center of you.  You can feel his annoyance with your lack of effort, or hope, or whatever it is you're currently lacking in.  This is because he is so amazing that he thinks you are spectacular, no matter what.  So when you are lacking in any area, he gets rather irritated because "how on earth could you think that little of yourself?".  I have gotten many, and I mean many, a pep talk from this man.  And every single one of them start with this wonderful, awful look.

Here's where things get tricky.  This look is then followed by the ever dreadful finger point and come here gesture, immediately followed by a sit down in his office with a rather intense lecture about how amazing you are and a stern "what the heck is going on?". Bleh. Not my favorite question.  Mainly because almost every time it was asked, this is exactly what went through my mind- "if I tell him what's going on, I'm going to get twice the amount of lecture I would initially.  BUT, if I say 'nothing', I'm going to get an even worse look than I'm already getting, followed by a rather ridiculous 'i don't believe you' ....".  You can see the dilemma.

Regardless of the answer I gave, one of two things happened, and usually they both did.  I'd get a very long and much needed hug, with a "I believe in you, you can do anything".  The next couple of days I'd usually get an email, phone call or text with an "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can", reminding me that being the little engine that could was much better than the little engine that rolled back down the hill and went splat. When he knew it was finals week, or knew something was going rather rough, if I entered the room, I'd get a mini pep talk with some Tim Allen motivation "Never give up, NEVER SURRENDER!".

I will always love that he does this, because the little engine is about so much more than perseverance, it's about having faith and hope in addition to having perseverance.  If you just try to keep going without faith, or at the very least, hope, that everything will turn out in the end, you're not going to get very far.

I remember the first time I really thought about what he was saying.  It came after one of the best and worst talks we ever had.  After he found out how close I was to really giving up.  Probably the longest and biggest hug I'd ever received, along with some major motivational speaking skills.  This talk was different though.  The way he told me to keep going was less about me, and more about him.  He told me he knew that I could do anything, that I was amazing, that I was important, and special.  He then told me I needed to believe all of the things he was saying.  I didn't merely need to "keep going" and "never give up".  I needed to believe that I was worthy of getting where I was going.  I needed to believe that I had potential, that I was important, that I was loved. I had to believe before I could keep going.

This, essentially, is a  big reason why this blog started in the first place.  Life was just not going as planned, and as much as I was telling myself I needed to just keep chugging along, I had very little faith that the chugging was going to get me anywhere. I needed to restore my hope.  Once I did, oh my, the wonderful things I could do.  When life threw me some quite enormous lemons a few months ago, I had a brief "what the hell" moment, and then kept on chugging, knowing everything would be okay.  My hope, my faith, my joy did not waiver.  Though things were slightly rough, and are still appearing that way slightly, I have been told by this wonderful man, and a couple other people who know me all to well, that I seem so happy and at peace.  That's because I am.  This little engine is so far from giving up.  Even though there is a large hill making my engine work overtime, I'm giving it all I got.

Don't just "keep going", keep going knowing and believing that at some point the hill will flatten out, and then you can cruise around with ease.  Believing you will get there is the hardest part of the battle, so find your little glimmer of hope and climb that hill!

I believe #7

Happy Thing of the Day: getting played "your song", for no reason at all, by the one you love

I believe #7....here we go!

I believe that God made your body, and your body is BEAUTIFUL, no matter what size, shape, color, height, width, or otherwise it is.

This one is close to my heart, because I know far too many beautiful people who simply do not understand that they are beautiful.

I have never, really,  had body image issues.  Sure sometimes I will look in the mirror and wish I could lose a few inches around the middle, but never to the point of starvation, never to the point of taking major steps to alter the way I look.  When I do anything to lose those few pounds, it's usually because physically I don't feel right.  I feel tired, out of breath, in general, unhealthy.  But for me, that has nothing to do with the number on the tag of my pants.

The best I have ever physically felt was when I was a size 12, which ridiculously enough in some stores is considered "plus size"....I HATE the term "plus size", but we'll get back to that later. This is me when I was a size 12...which is honestly only a bit smaller than I am right now.  I felt amazing.  Could I run a 10k? Absolutely not, but my asthma would take care of that regardless.  But in all seriousness, I was a size 12-14 for a very long time, starting during my junior year of high school.  The BEST I have ever felt though, was when this picture was taken.  I was 22, and felt amazing.  Am I the world's definition of "skinny"? NOPE, not even close.  Could I ever be though? Absolutely not. But I was constantly told (by the cowboy standing next to me), that I was beautiful.

The cowboy in these pictures is going to be my husband.  He is like any other guy.  When he sees a hot celebrity, or even a model like figure walk beside him, he looks.  It does not bother me.  Because this is what he says to me.  "She may be 'hot' but you're beautiful, and beauty is more important".  Now, some girls may find that a bit offensive, like he's telling me I'm not hot.  Notice, he never says I'm not hot.  And I am fully aware that by society's standards, that chick is probably "hotter" than I am.  I also am fully aware that Wade thinks I'm "hot" or "sexy" or whatever you want to call it.  Let's face it, we wouldn't be able to get married if he didn't.  I know by the way he kisses me, by the way he looks at me when I get dressed up and fancy, by the way he looks at me when I'm in my underwear at the end of the day.  I know the way he sees me.  But I would much rather be verbally acknowledged for my "beauty" than get a cat-call every time I take my clothes off.


This picture is when my perception of body image changed.  I was like any other teenage girl.  I sucked it in for pictures, found the best angle to look the best in posed pictures, the whole 9 yards.  I never really thought of myself as anything but normal, maybe pretty when I put effort in, but nothing less than normal. I had bought this exact same dress in a different color for homecoming the year before.  Due to some unfortunate circumstances (yes, I was dumped 2 days before the dance), I didn't feel like wearing the dress.  The next year for junior prom I wanted to wear it.  And then I went to try and zip it.  Day of prom, zipper will NOT move.  Enter blow to self esteem.  And in came my daddy to save the day.  He tried to zip my dress and told me that the only way I would fit into the dress I was wearing is if I was starving myself.  My bones were officially the same size as the dress.  I do not come from "small genes".  Let's put it this way...the women in my family have bodies that were built for having babies (we have wide hips!!). So, I called my best friend, we rushed to the store, and I bought the exact same dress, in a different color, and 1 size up.  It was the most fun I ever had at a school dance, and I think I look pretty good too.

This is me today. I have hips, I have extra padding just about everywhere, and I am totally fine with the way I look.  Would I like to be skinnier? Sure, who doesn't want to look better? But, I also have the privilege of knowing what I look like in my wedding dress, and damn-it, I look GOOD.  And this is because of a very important fact.  I buy clothes that make me feel beautiful.  I buy clothes that fit me, and are comfortable, and that show off the parts of me I enjoy.  I'm pretty much in love with my butt, always been my favorite feature.  I'm floating somewhere between a size 14 and 16, and I am absolutely okay with that.  Would I like to float back down the the somewhere between 12 and 14 range? Yep, but mostly so I don't have to go buy new clothes. I have no desire to be at my "ideal weight".  The ever ominous term that all body builders use.  My "ideal" weight is when I feel good about myself.  Not when someone tells me that I need to shed 65 pounds.

Do I understand that my doctor wants me to lose weight? Of course.  Do I know that I have the genetic make-up to be enormous. Fully aware.  I know that the women in my family all have had a struggle with weight and keeping it off.  But, I also know that I have heard almost all of them say more than one negative comment about their bodies at one point or another.  I remember, when some of them would say those things, I would think they were nuts.  My grandma would comment about wanting her midsection to go away, or wanting to lose weight, and then she'd come out of her room all fancy for Christmas Eve church, and I'd think she was so pretty. How on earth could she think that she wasn't pretty? And then, turn around and tell me how beautiful I look, when I am 4 sizes bigger than her? Incredible.

I remember growing up, we would all make jokes about how we looked.  I'd get called miss piggy.  All the women got called team thunder thighs.  But it was all a JOKE.  I never took it personally.  I'd do the same thing to my brothers, we all still on a very regular basis poke fun at all the issues we have.  Not just body issues.  I will always be grateful for those jokes. I gave me the body image I have.  It gave me the incredible amount of confidence I have in just about everything about me, including my looks.  This is mostly because of one important fact; the people calling me miss piggy and thunder thighs also told me that I was beautiful.  They told me how gorgeous my hair was, how pretty my smile was, when I looked particularly good in an outfit, when I rocked my senior year prom dress.  The number of times I was called pretty exceeded the number of times I was called anything else so much, that I remember that more than anything.  My brother says something to me quite often, especially when I am looking good that day. He will tell me "you are freaking beautiful, but if you would tone up a bit, you could be a down right fox". It's a compliment disguised as a critique, but it is one that is always welcomed.  Do I know that I would be a "fox" if I lost weight? Of course I do.  Am I going to diet until I no longer enjoy food, exercise to the point of dreading the gym and being obsessed with a number on a scale in order to do so? NO!

WHY do we always decided to focus on the negative?  What happened in our culture to make people focus on what we need to change about our bodies rather than what is already perfect about them?  Do you want to know what society wants to hear from me?  I wish my tummy fat would go away, I hate the fat flab on my arms, and forget about when I have double chin in pictures.  And then a picture like this follows.  A picture where I am being ridiculous with two of my best friends.  A picture where I am the biggest girl in the frame, and I look unbelievably happy.  Guess what I wasn't thinking about....my tummy fat, or my arm flab, or the fact that the face I'm making is probably going to give me double chin. I notice that I was in one of my favorite outfits (that I got complimented on by perfect strangers), that I was having a great time with my besties, and that I love when we all make the same face without planning it.  That's what I notice when I look that this picture, I see what is perfect about it, not what is imperfect.  I notice the adorable baby belly that my "big sister" has, and the ridiculous laugh that Bekah has going on.  I notice how happy I am in this picture.

I truly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you should make that "b" a capitol letter.  Your "beholder" should be the one person who sees beauty in His own creations.  God does not make mistakes. He made you with purpose and on purpose.  He created you to be the exact way that you are.  He also says that our body is a temple, and to treat it as such.  That does not mean starve it until it looks perfect.  That means take care of it. Do not purposefully do it harm, and if you have done it harm, fix it!  If you are overweight to the point of a doctor telling you that you could die any moment, please, heal your body, but do not let anyone make you feel bad about the way that you look!  Find a healthy relationship with food.  Healthy means not starving your body, or over-feeding your body.  Feeling good about your body comes with having a healthy relationship with food.  You should not depend on it and you cannot avoid it.  It is nourishment for your beautiful body.

Remember, if someone else is pointing out that something is wrong with your body, it is probably something they dislike about themselves as well.  I promise, no matter what size you are, no matter what anything you are, you are gorgeous!  Please look in the mirror and realize that whether you are a size 2 or a size 32, you are beautiful exactly the way you are, and at whatever size you feel the best, feel the most beautiful, then you don't need to change that for anyone.  You are allowed to be beautiful and not look like Heidi Klum...I promise.  And if anyone says otherwise, they suck, ignore them! Come talk to me, I will tell you exactly how beautiful you really are!

I believe #6

Happy Thing of the Day: "i love you" kisses.

I believe #6:

I believe that if someone sees something "wrong" with  your religion, they will not try to understand it. 

This post is coming from quite a heated disagreement I had with someone on facebook. She was a secretary at my high school, and I thought she was a pretty neat lady.  That was, until this conversation.

She likes to post controversial posts about negative aspects of religion.  Now, to her credit, she does so with all religions, not just Christianity.  However, since that was the religion she was raised in, I feel from the posts I see that she holds a lot of resentment towards Christianity as a whole.  At least that's what comes across in the things she posts.

I try to stay away from these posts, but there was one that caught my eye.  It was about purity balls, which consequently I had never heard about.  I read the article and looked that the so called "creepy" pictures they had collected from them.  I became enraged.  Though I never went through a purity ball, and let's add that I'm not naive in ANY way shape for form, I still think they are a beautiful thing that a daughter can go through with her dad and family.

So as not to steer too far off point, to sum up, after commenting that I didn't think they were creepy, and that people will find fault in anything they disagree with, comments that came back from that made me feel personally attacked for not only defending the balls, but defending the opinions of the families in the video that got shared in another comment.  It was like a dateline report on them, with interviews of the girls and their families, where they explained what the balls were.  It actually made them seem MORE acceptable to me, not less.  The lady who posted that video was hoping for the opposite reaction from me, which stemmed an even bigger argument.

Here's my point: no matter how much I tried to show these commenters that this was a relatively innocent and simple ceremony, that it was about love and protection and not about control or domination, they refused to even try to understand.  I have been accused by some of her other atheist friends, on more than one occasion, of being "closed minded" and "un-accepting"...and "crazy", but that's a different point.  I was being accused of the exact thing they were doing to me.

Just because I am refusing to concede, because I am refusing to change my thinking and renounce my faith, that makes me closed minded?  Because all I got were put downs and mockery from these people, I felt attacked and stood my ground.  I stood firmly on my solid foundation of faith, and was then passively put down by being told that (to para-phrase) hopefully one day I would not need a Bible verse to tell me everything to do in my life...

I doesn't matter how much you calmly explain, how much you defend, how many positive examples you give.  If someone wants to see the negative, they will refuse to see the positive.  Most of the time I was willing to listen and see their side of things, I was not given the same courtesy, because I am a Christian and I have just been brain washed into thinking these things.

To say such a thing to me is to question my intelligence, which is beyond highly offensive.  To think that someone told me, so I blindly follow is absurd.  I did not just let someone mold me into a minion of faith.  I CHOSE to be a follower of Christ.  It was a conscious decision that I made with my free thinking brain.  To call me less intelligent, less of a woman, less of an anything because of my religion, to me, is the same as telling a black person that they couldn't possibly ____________ because they are black.  Outrageous, right?  I CAN do___________ even though I am a Christian. Why must we base everything we think about each other on something we can judge and ridicule?  Why can't we just LOVE people for who they are and for where they are at in their walk of life?  Why must we decide people are wrong for whatever reason?  Can't we just accept people and be happy? Thus is the human condition...we suck.

To be a Christian is not easy.  Having faith is not easy.  Forgiving with no apology is not easy.  Loving unconditionally is not easy. People say that Christians live blindly in blissful ignorance.  Blissful? Ignorance? Please.  My foundation rests on the fact that Jesus told me to love.  To love unconditionally.  To love without judgement.  To forgive.  To help.  To Pray.  My God gave me the tools to find my way, to follow a path that is good.  A path that is His making.  It is not easy to live by faith.  It is a challenge, but it is completely worth the amazing outcome.