I realize that the title of this post may be a little negative and may not seem like an uplifting chance to share in God's amazingness. Just go with it, I promise it gets good!I have some incredible friendships. Some, I would definitely say, would be defined as life changing. People I have met through the very short period of my life have impacted me in a profound way. They have supported, guided, challenged, and accepted me through all of the twists and turns of life. If you haven't had the chance to have this sort of relationship, I highly recommend it. It is entirely worth the fantastic exhaustion.
So what happens when these types of people enter your life. Check back to the title of this post. Epic thoughts, deep feelings, and harsh realities. That's what happens. Your universe is completely altered in a way that is unimaginable until it actually happens. I have had quite a few encounters of this kind, so let me share just a few, outlining them by the examples in my title.
EPIC THOUGHTS
Few people really have the ability to place a thought in your mind that is so vast and so new that it shakes you to your very core. It is an ability that must be carefully honed until the precise moment that you just know you must unleash it to the universe.
Enter Cliff Anderson. The world's most incredible teacher, mentor, and friend. I love that I can honestly say I was "friends" with a 70 year old man. My relationship with Cliff will always be something I cherish, as short as it was, it was exactly what I needed while it lasted.
Cliff was a scholar, a pastor, and an educator. He never stopped teaching, even just during a lunch date we could have deep philosophical discussions about our lives, well, really my life more so than his. I swear he had ESP and knew exactly when something was going on with me. He was ready with great advice, but also really hard questions.
When I was trying to figure out what to do with my life during college there were dozens of questions during our coffee and lunch dates when I would come home to visit. I will never forget when I started talking to him about the issues I was having with my church at the time up here in Laramie. He asked me, "are the spiritual people you are with truly going down a path you want to follow?" It wasn't that they were doing anything morally wrong, it was more to the point that we didn't agree on everything. And I couldn't stand being in a church that saw things that different.
He also never let me hide. I remember him encouraging me during a meeting for the new choir group at church we were starting saying that I was always a positive light, that I was willing to let anyone into my heart, and that I gave the most amazing hugs. He told me my spirit was contagious, and he never let me hide behind sadness or depression. He made me fight it with those tough questions. He pulled me out of the deepest holes with the most epic thoughts and words. He knew what my heart needed almost better than I did.
The most epic thought I had though, was what do I do now that he's gone? Cliff lost a battle with cancer last summer, on July 4th, 2012. Fireworks went off as he entered The Kingdom, as it should be. But that left a giant hole in my heart, and I had no idea how to fill it. Until Cliff's memorial happened, and everyone talked about how he never failed to walk with God. Oh my, thanks Cliff, I get it now. He was helping me walk with GOD. That was what he wanted for me. For my relationship with God to be the biggest part of my heart, so there could be no more holes. Cliff made my relationship with God what it is today, and I can still look to our conversations, our epic thought provoking conversations, for guidance when I feel lost, and when I need to remember where God is in my life. As a graduation present, one of my mom's friends gave me a book called "how to stay Christian in college"...you stay Christian in college by befriending a 60 some year old man during your senior year in high school, and never letting his love go.DEEP FEELINGS
I never thought that other than my parents, grandparents, and siblings I could ever feel a truly wonderful deep connection with someone on a family type level. Obviously a husband would go in there as well, but we'll get to him in a later post. Some people have different names for this kind of deep relationship. Teacher, mentor, counselor, mom or dad #2, or simply friend. Sure we all have friends we call our "brother" or "sister", but this goes a little deeper than that. To a mentoring parental level. Someone who has met the definition of just about each one of those titles has been such a great source of support in my life, and I will forever be grateful for this wonderful man.
When I was 10 years old I walked into instrument selection at MRMS, met a man named Scott Singmaster, and from then on my life was forever changed. Mr. Singmaster was one of the band boys at MRMS, and has been a great source of guidance and encouragement for me since then. I still to this day find myself wandering to the band room again to see him and Mr. Silloway for some much needed love and support. Those two men know exactly what to say to me, and exactly when to say it. They know when to give me the disappointed "dad face" and when to give me the " I love you" face. Mr Singmaster has been the greatest mentor I could ever ask for. I know this because I can't tell you how many times he has told me God has a plan. When I forget that very important bit of information, that God has a plan, and that I shouldn't worry, Mr. S is always there to remind me. He calls me a worry wart quite often, because I do tend to let everyone place their problems on my shoulders. When I walk in his classroom it's as if he has this giant broom and pan, and wipes those off of my weak shoulders and says "enough". When I am ready to give up, he simply doesn't let me. His is a superhero, and I will never forget or underestimate the love he has shown me. It is as if he is family, he IS family, and always will be.
HARSH REALITIES
I have this friend, who shall remain nameless, simply because I don't know if that should read "have" or "had". That has yet to fully be determined. For now, we will just use "have". We have been friends for going on 10 years, my oh my. This is where leaning on God becomes a key piece in friendship. When harsh reality strikes in a friendship, He really is the only one you can turn to.
Throughout our friendship, this person and I have shared some pretty intense and life defining moments. Family struggles, heart break, true love, the works. Something anyone could expect from "best friends", which up until recently I felt I could say we were. This was a friend I could lean on, rely on to have the best advice, or truly listening ears and an open heart.
Before I go any further, I feel I need to define what I mean by a "harsh reality". In the terms of friendship, this reality is that nothing lasts forever. I feel as though in friendship, incredibly meaningful ones anyway, there are only two ways in which this reality comes into play- death or lack of effort. Even so, most friendships don't stay the same forever either, even if they are the rare amazing ones that are ended by death.
This friendship that I'm talking about ended because of the other harsh reality. Some people simply stop caring and don't put in the effort anymore. I feel like the two of us are a little to blame, but I am going to be a little selfish here in a bit. You'll be able to figure out when that happens.
So this friend and I continued this amazing relationship through very dark and incredibly light moments during these last 10 years. But there was a point at which we shifted. I'm not really sure when, where, or why, but it did. We went from consistently level 6 or deeper conversations to level 1 or 2. Barely grazing the surface of where we really were in our lives. I must get a little defensive here and say that I really did try to stay at that deeper level. Again, harsh reality comes into play, and one can only put in so much effort without receiving very much back before they give up as well. So they weren't the only one to give up, but I definitely didn't do it first.
I was given an example of how we really just weren't that close anymore by this friend. They told me I don't even know why their last relationship ended. I got to meet and talk with this significant other, and until asking them "how are things going with _______", I didn't even know it had ended. I asked what happened and I got a brush off two sentence answer. I asked on two different occasions and I never got a real answer as to "why" it ended. They gave a very poor example...though quite accurate in a big way. I don't know what's going on in their lives.
My wedding is in approximately 10 months. We were having a conversation about wedding details that went South very quickly. I got the sense that maybe they didn't approve of my choice in a life partner, nor did they really want to come to my wedding. This is where I get really harsh (and very selfish) with my reality. Getting married may mean I leave some friends behind. I am moving into a new chapter of my life with a man I cannot WAIT to start that adventure with...if you don't support it, go the hell away! This friend is incredibly important to me, but not more important than the man I'm going to marry...not even close.
I had to have a real conversation with God at that point. A level 157 conversation. "Why do I have to choose my husband over them? Why can't they accept my decision? Why is everything more important than my wedding?" That last one was a very selfish question that made God smack me right in the face, but the other two I thought were relatively legitimate questions. He answered them with another conversation with this friend. The one where they pointed out that I didn't know anything about them anymore, that I wasn't the friend they took their problems to, that I wasn't one of their "people" anymore. They were upset that they weren't in my wedding party. They were upset that I wanted to talk about wedding plans when they had more important things to talk about. My point to them was, if you needed to talk about something else, you needed to say that.
The harsh reality is that God has put some amazing people into my life, and that means He might take a few away. And He has. I had a mentor for a couple of years that is now not involved in my life anymore. I had an amazing friend who left to go home to his Creator a year ago. I had a friend who isn't one of my "people" anymore. But I have a fiance. I have 5 amazing girls who are going to stand next to me as I say "I DO" in 10 months. I have new family members (in-laws) who love me and whom I love very much. I am going to have a new niece or nephew in April. God knows what He is doing with the people He puts in our lives. That is something I will always struggle with. I want to choose, but I can't. Only He knows what I need when I need it, and trusting him means dealing with Epic Thoughts, Deep Feelings and Harsh Realities, and leaning on Him during all of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment